Who’s in it?: Kristen Stewart (Into the Wild); Robert Pattinson (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire); Taylor Lautner (The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl)

…and here we GO.

Okay.  I watched it.  Despite knowing better I actually planned to watch this eventually.  Mostly because I  I don’t like to talk trash unless I have plenty of bullets and that means — as a critic — doing my homework.  I did.  I watched “Twilight“ and I watched it with an open mind.  My family couldn’t believe it.  I gave it a shot, like I do every movie.  Now that I’ve seen the first one I have to say-

Wow. Really, ladies?  What do you honestly see in this?  No, I haven’t read the books and I’m not going to read the books.  I’m also aware that I’m not the intended target audience.  In fact I’m pretty far from it.  That being said, this movie was soooo — boring and so poorly written and paced and directed and acted; and the source material could not have been better.  I refuse to believe there was any more depth to the characters or the story in the book, that was not presented on screen. I could go on. But what’s the point. Like I said, this movie wasn’t made for me.

It left me with a lot of questions though, although I’m not sure that’s what it wanted to do. Whatwas with Edward and Bella always staring at each other?  And sparkling vampires?  What the ****?  Tell me, because I don’t know- was this movie written by a fucking 13 year-old girl?  I think I may have known the girl that wrote this in high school. Maybe not the ACTUAL author…but I knew her.

Look, I can appreciate love stories and mopey angsty characters but it saddens me to know that people read a several hundred page books about these characters when there are much better books out there?  And I hate to break the mystique here, but am I the only one that realizes that the vampire wants to EAT Bella???  He wants to EAT her.  Drain her body of life.  I know this can all be turned into some sick twisted joke that- “isn’t that what all women are looking for?”, but let’s not go there-

…And Taylor fucking Lautner.  He is…what’s the word? — awful.  Ladies, come on.  Abs?  Is that all it takes?  This dude is a fucking muppet.  I mean Robert Pattinson was at least in Harry Potter and from what I’ve seen in clips from other movies, he may have some range but Taylor is chode.

Ugh.  I wasn’t expecting action.  I didn’t expect Wesley Snipes to show up and start slicing up vampires; and believe me, I wanted Blade to show up- real bad.  But he didn’t and I’m fine with that.  I knew what I was getting into here, but is this really the kind of slop you want your fucking daughters watching and reading?  THINK about this!!

Anyways, I watched it and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be it still was not any good at all.  It wasn’t.  All of you Twi-Hards someday will watch and think, “What was I thinking?  I LIKED this crap?”.  Sometimes, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

5/10

Would I recommend this?: No- and you have to stop watching this.  Have some respect for yourselves.  You are better than this ladies.  I did see New Moon and that review will come later but for now, God dammit, stop it!!