Category Archives: 2008 Movie Reviews

2008 Movie Reviews

‘Lakeview Terrace’ (2008) — movie review

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Who’s in it?: Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction, Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith), Patrick Wilson (Watchmen, The A-Team-2010)

Samuel Fucking Jackson.  Look mother fucker, we gotta talk buddy.  I’m just gonna lay it out there buddy– flat out did not like this fucking movie at all.  I will be honest, I really didn’t think I would like it going in so it was all uphill fucking battle from there–or is it down hill?

SLJ plays Abel.  Abel is a cop in the toughest streets in L.A. but he raises his kids in the nice, respectable neighborhood of Lakeview Terrace.  Then his new neighbors move in and they’re…gasp…an interracial couple.  Oh no!!  Not in Samuel Jackson’s mother fucking neighborhood.  So brother goes off and starts acting crazy and starting shit with the new neighbors.  Tension rises, tempers flare and a lot of corny, stupid, cliche shit gets thrown all over the screen, but the point is, as the point ALWAYS is: You Don’t.  Fuck.  With.  Samuel L.  Jackson.  Ever.

Even so, this is boring.  Sam gets all wide eyed and acts intense and the Owl guy from Watchmen just puts up cuz he has to deal with his wife’s un-approving father, who thinks his daughter could do better.  Eventually the shit hits the fan, but by then you won’t care.

Now, back to you, Sammy.  I love you brother but this shit is getting out of control.  After that one movie that came out this year..oh yeah, The Spirit; you need to start reading scripts, dude, seriously.  I know the idea of playing a bad guy was tempting but this was not the move.  If you wanna play a bad guy, get fucking Tarantino off whatever wacky fucking drugs he’s on and tell him to write something good.  Actually, you should tell him to get off that shit no matter what, because the last couple outings for that dude have been pretty long fucking winded.

This movie builds up a lot of tension and tries to really stir the racial issue but it’s un-interesting, over-written and a real waste of time.  Boo.

3/10

Would I recommend this movie?: I can not.

2008 Movie Reviews

‘Sex Drive’ (2008) — movie review

Who’s in it?: James Marsden (X-Men, Enchanted), Seth Green (Can’t Buy Me Love, Robot Chicken), Clarke Duke (Hot Tub Time Machine, Kick-Ass), Josh Zuckerman

Dammit man, this is about the time when I started thinking, “This is going to be a painful 100 fucking movies.”…and it was only 16 flicks in.  I would go on to to see some good flicks in this time.  This however was not one of them.  Let me first clear the air and tell you, apparently, this movie is based on a book.  Before you get excited with thoughts of, “Oh, how exciting.  I love when my favorite literature is adapted into a cinematic film…”,  cool your jets, because you’d be in for some serious fucking disappointment.

Fucking American Pie.  Ever since that fucking movie, there have been a billion copy cats.  Add Sex Drive to the list.  And it is what it is.  A road trip movie and a quest for sex.  It’s right there in the title.  It’s your typical love story: boy meets girl on internet.  Boy is virgin.  Boy want make sex to pretty girl.  So boy steal douche bag brother’s car and sets out with friends to meet some hot chick…and do it to her.  Along way boy find true love has been with all along. It’s fucking Shakespeare.

Unfortunately boy and friends resort to dumb ass cliched humor mainly consisting of ongoing gay jokes.  Real fucking clever.  Way to go dip shits, except this movie has been made a thousand other times, and much better.  Actually, the real problem is this movie and movies like it– aren’t made for dudes like me anymore.  I’m way too old and jaded to be able to relate to a bunch of dumb ass teenagers running around like fuck-tards trying to get their noodles wet.

4/10

Would I recommend this movie?: Maybe if you’re 12, but if you’re 12 you shouldn’t be watching movies like this.  Shame on you.  In fact, if you’re 12, you shouldn’t be here.  Get the fuck out of here.  Pass on this one.

2008 Movie Reviews

‘Bangkok Dangerous’ (2008) movie review

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Who’s in it?: Nicolas Cage (Raising Arizona, Face/Off)

Jesus Christ, Nic Cage, do you even read the God damn scripts for the movies you do any more?  I know you’ve had some financial issues lately but shit, really?  This movie was fucking terrible.

We get it, you like to play hit men and wear bad hair wigs and act conflicted.  But just because someone says there is a script with no one attached to star, don’t you think that’s because no one in their right fucking mind wants anything to do with it?

So in Bangkok Dangerous, Nic Cage is a hit man with you guessed it…a bad hair piece. He plays Joe.  Joe has rules (don’t all assassins for hire?).  He works alone, until he gets a protege- and he falls in love…awww.  Can someone please tell me how come these fucking movies always start with the protagonist talking about having rules and those rules can’t be broken then the asshole does nothing but break his own fucking rules for 2 hours.  Hey dick head, if you had followed your own rules you would have done your job and lived.  Sure your character would have continued being a fuck up but-

Wait, now that I’m putting some actual thought into this- and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who put any thought into this movie- there was not one God damn original or redeeming quality about this fucker.  Fuck this movie…

…and Nic Cage, let me tell you something.  I named my kid after you.  You better get your fucking act together.  Remember Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas and The Rock and you know, the days when you used to make good movies?  Why don’t we try getting back to that.  Read the script.  If you like it, don’t do it.  Do you even have an agent?  Can your agent read?  Dammit, Nic Cage….DAMMIT.

By the way, this is another remake.

2/10

Would I recommend this movie?: Did you even read this blog.  No.  I wouldn’t recommend this piece of crap.