Category Archives: Movies

2009 Movie Review, Movie Reviews

‘The Last House on the Left’ riddled with dumb characters doing dumb things — movie review

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Who’s in it?: Tony Goldwyn (Ghost), Monica Potter (TV’s Parenthood) and Garret Dillahunt (TV’s Sarah Connor Chronicles)

Say it with me.  Remakes SUCK.  Now don’t we all feel better?  I went into this movie with a glimmer of hope. After all, the original was great when it was made but hasn’t stood the test of time. But making a movie look better doesn’t mean you are making a better movie.

The Last House on the Left, the remake of the Wes Craven’s 1972 directorial debut.  This movie was full of so many horribly written characters, it was actually pretty painful to watch.  I couldn’t figure out which was worse, the awful acting on display or the even worse plot.  I know it keeps fairly faithful to the original but raise your hand if you are sick of dumb hicks being villainous lunatics.  I’m going to raise your hand for you.

The movie is slow and boring.  It’s full of stupid people making one stupid decision after another.  Sure, it plays on some scary ass situations like watching your friend get murdered in front of you and being raped while a few retarded hicks watch and laugh, but ugh….and really would these idiots really show up and act so amazingly creepy after murdering one person and beating raping and thinking they killed another? Here’s an idea. Act natural.

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Then again the victims are always dumber than the criminals. If these jokers showed up at my door, there is no way in hell me and my wife are letting them in.  “Oh, you guys look like crazy scumbags, please come in out of the rain.”  Note to Hollywood, movies are scarier when smart people are being threatened by people who are smarter.

Spoiler alert: The main bad guy gets his head nuked in a microwave by the father of the girl that gets raped and beaten.  I only say this because if you watch this movie, you’re going to want to stick your own head in your microwave.  Seriously, avoid this movie at all costs.  You will thank me for it.

3/10

2009 Movie Review, Movie Reviews

‘Mystery Team’ (2009) — movie review

Who’s in it?: Donald Glover (TV’s Community), Bobby Moynihan (Saturday Night Live), Aubrey Plaza (TV’s Parks and Rec) and D.C. Pierson.

I’m not going to lie to you.  This movie is dumb.  If you see it, it will be one of the dumbest-assed movies you will have seen or may ever see.  And sadly that’s the beauty of it.  I’d never heard of it until I watched it.  I only found out about it because I read an article about Donald Glover, who is going to be one of the funniest mother fuckers on the planet very soon.  If you don’t watch Community on NBC you should because Glover is brilliant on that show, and also that show is hilarious.mysteryteamhotelwide(1)

The movie is a very low budget comedy about three friends who are all total dip shits.  When they were little kids they started solving neighborhood crimes.  They called themselves the Mystery Team and everyone loved them.  Then they grew up but they never actually grew-up, ya get it?  So the story kicks off when this little girl hires The Mystery Team to find out who killed her parents and the boys get drawn into an actual mystery.

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Like I said the Mystery Team is dumb — well naive might be the right world.  It’s a coming of age story where these morons have to come to terms with the reality that there is a very adult world out there.

But it adds to the charm of the movie, which is pretty funny in a stupid dead-pan way.  There are several well written funny moments but a lot of it is really pretty stupid.  Some of the acting is pretty awful but really overall its a somewhat clever movie.This flick is so low budget that it looks like these guys grabbed a camera, called some friends who wanted to act (some of whom were also slightly famous) and made the shit up as they went along.