Tag Archives: remakes

2008 Movie Reviews

‘Bangkok Dangerous’ (2008) movie review

1 Comment

Who’s in it?: Nicolas Cage (Raising Arizona, Face/Off)

Jesus Christ, Nic Cage, do you even read the God damn scripts for the movies you do any more?  I know you’ve had some financial issues lately but shit, really?  This movie was fucking terrible.

We get it, you like to play hit men and wear bad hair wigs and act conflicted.  But just because someone says there is a script with no one attached to star, don’t you think that’s because no one in their right fucking mind wants anything to do with it?

So in Bangkok Dangerous, Nic Cage is a hit man with you guessed it…a bad hair piece. He plays Joe.  Joe has rules (don’t all assassins for hire?).  He works alone, until he gets a protege- and he falls in love…awww.  Can someone please tell me how come these fucking movies always start with the protagonist talking about having rules and those rules can’t be broken then the asshole does nothing but break his own fucking rules for 2 hours.  Hey dick head, if you had followed your own rules you would have done your job and lived.  Sure your character would have continued being a fuck up but-

Wait, now that I’m putting some actual thought into this- and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who put any thought into this movie- there was not one God damn original or redeeming quality about this fucker.  Fuck this movie…

…and Nic Cage, let me tell you something.  I named my kid after you.  You better get your fucking act together.  Remember Raising Arizona and Leaving Las Vegas and The Rock and you know, the days when you used to make good movies?  Why don’t we try getting back to that.  Read the script.  If you like it, don’t do it.  Do you even have an agent?  Can your agent read?  Dammit, Nic Cage….DAMMIT.

By the way, this is another remake.

2/10

Would I recommend this movie?: Did you even read this blog.  No.  I wouldn’t recommend this piece of crap.

2009 Movie Review, Movie Reviews

‘The Last House on the Left’ riddled with dumb characters doing dumb things — movie review

1 Comment

Who’s in it?: Tony Goldwyn (Ghost), Monica Potter (TV’s Parenthood) and Garret Dillahunt (TV’s Sarah Connor Chronicles)

Say it with me.  Remakes SUCK.  Now don’t we all feel better?  I went into this movie with a glimmer of hope. After all, the original was great when it was made but hasn’t stood the test of time. But making a movie look better doesn’t mean you are making a better movie.

The Last House on the Left, the remake of the Wes Craven’s 1972 directorial debut.  This movie was full of so many horribly written characters, it was actually pretty painful to watch.  I couldn’t figure out which was worse, the awful acting on display or the even worse plot.  I know it keeps fairly faithful to the original but raise your hand if you are sick of dumb hicks being villainous lunatics.  I’m going to raise your hand for you.

The movie is slow and boring.  It’s full of stupid people making one stupid decision after another.  Sure, it plays on some scary ass situations like watching your friend get murdered in front of you and being raped while a few retarded hicks watch and laugh, but ugh….and really would these idiots really show up and act so amazingly creepy after murdering one person and beating raping and thinking they killed another? Here’s an idea. Act natural.

lasthousePIC

Then again the victims are always dumber than the criminals. If these jokers showed up at my door, there is no way in hell me and my wife are letting them in.  “Oh, you guys look like crazy scumbags, please come in out of the rain.”  Note to Hollywood, movies are scarier when smart people are being threatened by people who are smarter.

Spoiler alert: The main bad guy gets his head nuked in a microwave by the father of the girl that gets raped and beaten.  I only say this because if you watch this movie, you’re going to want to stick your own head in your microwave.  Seriously, avoid this movie at all costs.  You will thank me for it.

3/10