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100 Movies I’ve Never Seen Before in 90 Days: #11-20

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Once again, I’ve already gone through these in more detail, so I won’t waste your time.  Have fun reviewing #11-20.  Next we will get to some really shitty movies, trust me.

11. Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day: Dammit, this movie pissed me off.  Loved the first.  Loathe this piece of shit.  Waste of time.  Waste of film.  Spends most of the movie raping the first one.  Seriously. 1/10

12. The A-Tea- 2010: I’ve seen this again since the first time and still liked it.  It’s not perfect but it’s a fun re-imagining of the old 80’s TV show.  Check out my Kansas City TV Examiner review.  7/10

The only thing missing from Twilight was the Day Walker.

13. Twilight- 2008: You fucking Twi-Hards.  I just want to go on record as saying that women obsessing about this glittery vampire crap is NOT the same us dudes like me geeking-out over Star Wars or Spider-Man or some shit.  It’s not the same.  This one actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be– that would be that New Moon shite. 5/10

14. State of Play- 2009: Not bad but not great.  Well written and acted but kind of slow paced but a good political thriller that relies more on suspense than forcing political ideas on you.  7/10

15. Entry Level- 2007: I don’t remember shit about this movie except it was some independent movie I found on cable in the middle of the day so I watched it.  It has a bunch of quirky characters but no one you’ll give a shit about.  Pass on it. 5/10

16. Sex Drive- 2008: Typical teen sex comedy and not in a good way.  It has a bunch of dudes that you’ll wonder “what the fuck is that dude doing in this movie?”  The answer is stealing a pay check. 4/10

17. Lakeview Terrace- 2008: Samuel L. Jackson is just one of those guys that is either a total bad ass or a total jack ass.  He doesn’t care either.  He knows he makes more good movies than bad but when they’re bad, you get this schlock.  So much drama is created simply because its in the screenplay.  Crap. 3/10

18. Up in the Air- 2009: One of Jorge Clooney’s best.  He’s really good at these characters that are slick and cool and like to talk.  This one is directed by Jason Reitman, son of Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman.  He’s a film maker that is going to make some good flicks as he gets older. 8/10

In case you didn't know, Elisabeth Shue is still hot.

19. The Karate Kid- 2010: I’m not going to try and convince you this movie is better than the original because it is not.  But it is pretty good and waaay better than I expected it to be.  It has good performances from Will Smith’s kid and Jackie Chan, who should have gotten an Oscar nomination.  It’s entertaining right up until the end–when Justin Bieber sings over the credits.  Hide the razor blades. But I do agree it suffers from a serious lack of Elisabeth Shue. 8/10

20. Mystery Team- 2009: You know that dude on Community, the hilarious one?– no not Abed, but Troy.  He’s a funny fucker.  He has a comedy group that made this movie.  It’s VERY low budget but pretty funny if you like the ridiculous.  Three idiots who solved neighborhood crimes when they were young, still try living off that pub as teens– and fail until someone gets killed. 7/10

Check out the rest of the Movies I’ve Never Seen Before…in 90 Days:

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@tbenglish on Twitter and as the Kansas City TV Examiner

2008 Movie Reviews

‘Twilight’ is a mind numbing blunder aimed at naive teens — movie review

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Who’s in it?: Kristen Stewart (Into the Wild); Robert Pattinson (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire); Taylor Lautner (The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl)

…and here we GO.

Okay.  I watched it.  Despite knowing better I actually planned to watch this eventually.  Mostly because I  I don’t like to talk trash unless I have plenty of bullets and that means — as a critic — doing my homework.  I did.  I watched “Twilight“ and I watched it with an open mind.  My family couldn’t believe it.  I gave it a shot, like I do every movie.  Now that I’ve seen the first one I have to say-

Wow. Really, ladies?  What do you honestly see in this?  No, I haven’t read the books and I’m not going to read the books.  I’m also aware that I’m not the intended target audience.  In fact I’m pretty far from it.  That being said, this movie was soooo — boring and so poorly written and paced and directed and acted; and the source material could not have been better.  I refuse to believe there was any more depth to the characters or the story in the book, that was not presented on screen. I could go on. But what’s the point. Like I said, this movie wasn’t made for me.

It left me with a lot of questions though, although I’m not sure that’s what it wanted to do. Whatwas with Edward and Bella always staring at each other?  And sparkling vampires?  What the ****?  Tell me, because I don’t know- was this movie written by a fucking 13 year-old girl?  I think I may have known the girl that wrote this in high school. Maybe not the ACTUAL author…but I knew her.

Look, I can appreciate love stories and mopey angsty characters but it saddens me to know that people read a several hundred page books about these characters when there are much better books out there?  And I hate to break the mystique here, but am I the only one that realizes that the vampire wants to EAT Bella???  He wants to EAT her.  Drain her body of life.  I know this can all be turned into some sick twisted joke that- “isn’t that what all women are looking for?”, but let’s not go there-

…And Taylor fucking Lautner.  He is…what’s the word? — awful.  Ladies, come on.  Abs?  Is that all it takes?  This dude is a fucking muppet.  I mean Robert Pattinson was at least in Harry Potter and from what I’ve seen in clips from other movies, he may have some range but Taylor is chode.

Ugh.  I wasn’t expecting action.  I didn’t expect Wesley Snipes to show up and start slicing up vampires; and believe me, I wanted Blade to show up- real bad.  But he didn’t and I’m fine with that.  I knew what I was getting into here, but is this really the kind of slop you want your fucking daughters watching and reading?  THINK about this!!

Anyways, I watched it and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be it still was not any good at all.  It wasn’t.  All of you Twi-Hards someday will watch and think, “What was I thinking?  I LIKED this crap?”.  Sometimes, the first step is admitting you have a problem.

5/10

Would I recommend this?: No- and you have to stop watching this.  Have some respect for yourselves.  You are better than this ladies.  I did see New Moon and that review will come later but for now, God dammit, stop it!!